Perfectionism: The Silent Saboteur
At first glance, perfectionism can look like a positive trait, high standards, ambition, and a desire to do well. But dig a little deeper, and it’s often driven by something far less helpful: fear.
Behind many perfectionist children is a quiet anxiety whispering:
“What if I fail?”
“What if people laugh at me?”
“What if I’m not good enough?”
At Child Therapy Telford, I’ve worked with many children and teenagers who appear capable, driven, and even mature for their age – but who are privately crumbling under the pressure of needing to “get it right.”
This kind of inner tension doesn’t fuel success. It fuels anxiety, self-criticism, and avoidance. And for parents, it can be confusing to know how to support your child without adding to the pressure.
Let’s explore where perfectionism comes from, how it shows up in children and teens, and what to do about it.
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
From an NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) perspective, perfectionism is a mental strategy created by the unconscious mind, usually in childhood, as a way to stay emotionally safe.
A common unconscious belief might be:
👉 “If I’m perfect, then I won’t get told off, I won’t embarrass myself, and I’ll feel in control.”
It’s often born from past experiences of criticism, unpredictability, or shame. So the child learns to raise the bar, aim higher, and reduce the risk of “getting it wrong,” not to grow, but to protect themselves.
But the problem is this:
The more pressure they put on themselves, the more anxious they feel.
The more anxious they feel, the more they procrastinate or withdraw.
Then they feel like they’ve failed… and the cycle continues.
How Perfectionism Shows Up
Here are some subtle and not-so-subtle signs of perfectionism in children:
Meltdowns over homework, especially if they get a single answer wrong
Reluctance to try new things unless they’re sure they’ll be good at it
Constantly asking for reassurance or checking their work over and over
Refusal to hand in schoolwork until it’s “perfect”
Fear of speaking in class, even when they know the answer
Giving up quickly if they don’t succeed straight away
This isn’t just about being fussy or hardworking. It’s often fuelled by anxiety, low self-esteem, or a fear of disappointing others. And for a young brain, it can feel overwhelming.
Let’s say your child is given a school project. They come home, spend hours drawing, researching, typing… then rip it up because it’s “not good enough.”
You encourage them, reassure them, but they refuse to hand it in.
Or maybe your teen avoids applying for the school play, even though they love drama. When you ask why, they say, “I’ll mess it up,” or “I won’t get the lead so what’s the point?”
These are classic examples of perfectionism holding a child back from learning, growing, and enjoying life.
At Child Therapy Telford we use NLP tools for challenging perfectionist thinking and reprogramming those unconscious patterns.
Here’s what I often work on with children and teens in sessions:
Reframing limiting beliefs: “I must get everything right” becomes “Mistakes help me grow”
Anchoring confidence: Teaching the brain how to access calm, resourceful states in moments of stress
Modelling flexible thinking: Helping them see that perfection isn’t the only way to be “enough”
Visualising success with mistakes included – showing their brain it’s safe to get things wrong and still succeed
5 Things Parents Can Do (and What Not to Do)
DO:
Praise effort, not outcome “I saw how hard you worked on that,” instead of “That’s perfect!”
Model mistakes Let your child see you get things wrong and handle them calmly.
Normalise ‘messy progress’ Celebrate practice, trying, and showing up – not just results.
Watch your language Avoid phrases like “just do your best” if your child already sees “best” as “perfect.”
Create space for failure Let them try, fail, and reflect without rushing in to fix it.
DON’T:
Don’t over correct or “fix” their work. This reinforces the idea that it’s not good enough unless it’s perfect.
Don’t compare them to others, even as encouragement.
Don’t dismiss their fear. It’s real for them, even if it looks irrational from the outside.
Perfectionism is not about trying hard. It’s about trying to avoid the deep emotional discomfort of being exposed. Of being seen as “not enough.” Children may not use those words, but they feel it in their bones especially in a world where they’re constantly evaluated, tested, and compared, not just at school but across social media too.
When children begin to equate their value with their achievements, or their safety with their performance, they internalise a dangerous rule: “I am only as good as my last result.” That’s an exhausting way to live, and completely unsustainable for the developing mind. It lays the groundwork for chronic anxiety and a fear-based identity.
“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”
A metaphor I often use in therapy with children is that of learning to ride a bike. No child learns to ride without a wobble, a scrape, or a fall. Yet imagine if they refused to get on unless they were guaranteed not to fall? That bike would stay in the shed. For many perfectionist children, this is exactly what’s happening their bike is locked away because their brain believes, “Falling means I’m not good enough.”
But it’s in the falling, the adjusting, the wobbling that true learning takes place. This is where resilience is built, and it’s also where confidence is grown: not from never failing, but from discovering they can handle it when they do.
If this speaks to what you’ve been noticing in your child or teen, I invite you to reach out. I offer therapeutic coaching for young people across Telford, Shropshire and online too, who are struggling with perfectionism, anxiety, and the pressure to always “get it right.”
You don’t have to wait until things are serious. Early support can make all the difference.
I’m based in Telford and offer flexible sessions to support your child’s emotional wellbeing and confidence.
📞 Book a free discovery call: https://louisa-nlp4kids.youcanbook.me
📩 Email: Louisa@nlp4kids.org
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