Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Helping Children with Anxiety and Confidence
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
The phrase is closely associated with psychologist and author Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., whose bestselling book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway was first published in 1987.
It’s a phrase I particularly like when thinking about anxiety and confidence in children and teenagers. For many parents looking for a child therapist in Telford, anxiety, fears or low confidence may be some of the reasons they begin searching for support.
But “feel the fear and do it anyway” doesn’t mean simply telling a child to push through their fears, far from it. For me, it’s about helping a young person understand what is happening for them, develop strategies to manage those feelings and recognise that they don’t necessarily have to wait for every anxious feeling to disappear before taking a manageable step forward.
In my work as a child therapist in Telford, I support children and teenagers who may want to feel more confident, but find that anxious thoughts, fears or worries can sometimes get in the way of doing the things they would like to do.
What does anxiety look like in children and teenagers?
Anxiety doesn’t look the same in every young person.
For one child, it might be worrying about going into school. For another, it could be speaking in front of the class, going somewhere without a parent, making friends, sitting an exam or doing something unfamiliar.
Sometimes parents notice physical symptoms such as feeling sick, butterflies, headaches, a racing heart or difficulty sleeping.
The NHS also provides information for parents about anxiety in children, including some of the signs to look out for and when to seek further help.
At other times, anxiety might sound like:
“I can’t do it.”
“What if something goes wrong?”
“Everyone will look at me.”
“What if I embarrass myself?”
“I don’t want to go.”
To the adult listening, the situation might not seem dangerous.
But to the young person experiencing it, the thoughts and feelings can be very real.
Why saying “Don’t worry” doesn’t always work
As parents and carers, it’s completely natural to want to reassure a child.
We might say:
“You’ll be fine.”
“There’s nothing to worry about.”
“Nobody is looking at you.”
Sometimes reassurance helps.
But sometimes it doesn’t because the child’s brain is already creating its own version of what might happen.
They may be imagining getting something wrong, people laughing at them, not knowing what to say or being unable to cope.
Their body can then respond to what they’re imagining with very real feelings of anxiety.
This is one of the areas we can explore using NLP with children and teenagers.
How NLP can help us explore anxious thinking
NLP stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
Put very simply, I often describe it as looking at the relationship between our thoughts, language, feelings and patterns of behaviour.
When I’m working with a young person, I’m not only interested in what they’re anxious about.
I’m also curious about how they’re thinking about it.
For example:
What are they picturing in their mind?
What are they saying to themselves?
What are they focusing on?
What happens in their body when they think about it?
What do they believe might happen?
And importantly:
What would they like to happen instead?
This gives us something useful to begin working with.
Avoiding anxiety can sometimes make it feel bigger
Imagine a child feels extremely anxious about doing something.
They avoid it.
Immediately, they feel better.
That relief is completely understandable.
The difficulty is that if avoidance repeatedly becomes the way they deal with anxiety, their brain may begin learning:
“I avoided it, so I was safe.”
They don’t necessarily get the opportunity to discover:
“Actually, I was nervous, but I could cope.”
That doesn’t mean forcing a frightened child into a situation they’re not ready for.
Instead, we can look at what might help them take an appropriate and manageable next step.
Sometimes that step is tiny.
And that’s OK.
Three simple ways to help an anxious child think differently
There isn’t one technique that works for every child. Every young person is different, and it’s important to understand what is happening for the individual rather than simply applying a strategy.
However, here are three simple ideas based around some of the principles I use within my work.
1. Get curious about their words
Listen for words such as:
“I ALWAYS get it wrong.”
“EVERYONE will laugh at me.”
“I CAN’T do it.”
Instead of immediately saying, “Of course you can!”, become curious.
You might ask:
“Always?”
“Everyone?”
“What specifically feels difficult?”
“Has there ever been a time when it went differently?”
We’re not arguing with them.
We’re helping them examine whether the thought they’re having is the only possible version of the situation.
2. Notice what they’re mentally rehearsing
Ask your child what they imagine happening when they think about the situation they’re worried about.
If they’re repeatedly playing a mental film of everything going wrong, it makes sense that they may begin to feel anxious.
Rather than simply saying “think positively”, a more useful question can be:
“What would it look like if you were able to cope with it?”
There’s an important difference between:
“Everything will be absolutely perfect.”
and
“Even if I feel nervous, I could cope.”
The second can often feel much more believable.
3. Help their brain find evidence of confidence
Ask:
“Can you remember another time you did something even though you felt nervous beforehand?”
Then explore it.
What helped?
What did they do?
How did they feel afterwards?
What did they discover about themselves?
We’re not pretending the previous situation was exactly the same.
We’re reminding their brain that feeling nervous and being capable can exist at the same time.
Confidence doesn’t always have to come first
This is where Susan Jeffers’ phrase becomes particularly relevant:
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
When I’m thinking about children and teenagers, I don’t interpret that as:
“You’re frightened. Get on with it.”
Instead, I think of it more like:
“I can see this feels scary. What would help you take the next manageable step?”
Because sometimes confidence doesn’t arrive before we do something.
Sometimes it develops afterwards.
A young person gets to look back and think:
“I was nervous, but I did it.”
“I coped.”
“It wasn’t exactly how I’d imagined it.”
“Maybe I could do that again.”
And suddenly their brain has some new evidence to work with.
Supporting children’s confidence and emotional wellbeing
Confidence isn’t something a child either has or doesn’t have.
A young person might confidently play football in front of other people but struggle to put their hand up in class.
They might happily talk to their closest friends but feel overwhelmed walking into somewhere unfamiliar.
I find those differences interesting because they tell us something important:
The young person already knows how to experience confidence in certain situations.
Part of our work can involve exploring what is different when they feel capable, calm or confident and helping them begin to access more useful patterns in situations they currently find difficult.
Looking for a child therapist in Telford?
I provide one-to-one support for children and teenagers experiencing difficulties including anxiety, fears, low confidence, low self-esteem and emotional wellbeing.
I’m a Licensed NLP4Kids Practitioner and Certified NLP Practitioner, based in Wellington, Telford, and work with families from across Telford and Wrekin and the wider Shropshire area, including Wellington, Newport, Shifnal, Shrewsbury, Bridgnorth and Market Drayton, as well as families travelling from Stafford and surrounding areas.
Online sessions are also available. If you’d like to hear from other families, you can also read what parents and young people have said about working with me.
My aim isn’t to create a child who never experiences anxiety.
Anxiety is part of being human.
It’s about helping a young person better understand their own thoughts and responses, develop useful strategies and begin building evidence that they can cope with difficult feelings and situations.
Sometimes courage isn’t feeling fearless.
Sometimes courage is feeling the fear and discovering that you can still take the next step.
Would you like to have an initial chat?
If you’re concerned about your child’s anxiety, confidence or emotional wellbeing, I offer parents and carers a free 15-minute discovery call. It’s simply an opportunity to tell me a little about what’s happening, ask questions about how I work and decide whether I may be the right person to support your child.
Louisa
Child Therapy Telford | NLP4Kids
07966 819194
Leave a Reply